Happy Birthday Landon

     November 27th 2011 is the worst and the best day of my life. It was the day I became a Mommy but also the day I had to say goodbye to my first born. 

      So this post is dedicated to the most amazing 1 lb 3 oz baby boy that a Mommy could have. The poem below is one that is very dear to my heart. 

"You never said you're leaving

You never said goodbye

You were gone before I knew it,

And only God knew why.

A million times I needed you,

A million times I cried.

If love alone could have saved you,

You never would have died.

In life I loved you dearly

In death I love you still

In my heart you hold a place,

That nobody could ever fill.

It broke my heart to lose you

But you didn't go alone

For a part of me went with you,

The day God took you home."

~Unknown

I love you Landon. Look for our balloons and lanterns we are sending up to you tonight. I promise to write a special message to you on one. I could write on for hours telling the world how much I love you and how special you are to me. But you already know how special and perfect that Daddy and I think you are. I am so thankful for the time that you were with us. You taught me just how special being a Mommy truly is. I promise I will never take that for granted. 

I love you my itty bitty. 

xoxo,

Mommy

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Day

October is a big “awareness month” for a lot of things here in the US – Breast Cancer Awareness Month, Down Syndrome Awareness Month, Liver Awareness Month. Those were the handful I was able to pull up on a list, but there may be more that even I do not know about. One that wasn't listed and many do not know about is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness. 

This was officially declared in 1988 by President Ronald Reagan. October 9th – 15th, specifically, is Baby Loss Awareness Week.

I think many are aware of Pregnancy and Infant loss, but how aware? Do you know how common it is? Do you know what to say to someone who has experienced a loss? Do you know that they don’t want to forget their angel baby (or babies) and pretend like nothing ever happened? Or that saying things like “it was just too soon” or “well, you should be happy you can have other children” (both are things I was told) REALLY hurts?! 

There are a lot of things I think people aren't aware of when it comes to pregnancy and infant loss. I think sharing your love with those that have lost a baby or babies by participating in the Wave of Light on October 15th is a great way to show your support. 

One of my all time favorite quotes is, "Have you hugged a Baby Loss Mom lately?" I think every mom I know that has lost a baby, loves having hugs even more than most people.

Maybe you don’t understand the grief and pain. I pray that you never will. But by reading and understanding what can and does happen to 1 in 4 Moms is the first step. It is a great way to say, “I may not understand your pain directly but I love you and want to help you remember your baby.” To participate in the Wave of Light, you light a candle at 7pm in whatever time zone you are in on October 15th and leave it lit for one hour. Then the next time zone will be lighting their candle(s). This will send a wave of light around the world in remembrance of all the angel babies. I personally have had a candle lit all day for my baby Landon Ryan Brown. 
I am sharing our story in remembrance of our 'angel baby', Landon. You will be able to find the post: http://armybrownie.blogspot.com/2011/12/my-angel-baby-landon-ryan-brown.html

Levi Lee Brown

A few weeks ago we went to the doctor and found out the Landon must have tugged on God's heart and said to give his Mommy and Daddy another boy. He knew that Mommy and Daddy would be happy with a healthy baby but that a boy would be an amazing thing. We are so excited to have another baby boy. 

We are so happy to have past the '20 week mark' of being pregnant. I can't even begin to tell you how scared we were to pass that mark. I won't lie, we are still nervous but the farther along we get, the more we can take a deep breath and be a bit calmer. I know that Levi has the best big brother in the world, and that some day we will all get to see him again. Landon is now 7 months old in heaven. He is loved more and more as each day passes. 

Introducing Baby Brown #2: Levi Lee Brown

Pictured at 18 weeks 3 days

I still find myself so blessed to say that I am a Mommy to two amazing boys. Even with the not so normal circumstances, I will always be a proud mommy to these two baby boys.

Landon Ryan Brown

Pictured at 16 weeks

 

 

Enough about my baby boys, but what can I say, I love being a Mommy. Ryan and I are doing well. We attended our first military ball last month. I had so much fun getting all dressed up and meeting so many people. I wore a fancy purple dress that showed off my baby belly. Ryan wore his blue ASUs. We looked very cute together, if you ask me. And we both enjoyed ourselves. We can't wait to attend the next Army Ball.

Last week we had a friend take our maternity pictures. It was so much fun to do. Ryan and I always love to get pictures and are constantly told we take such cute pictures together. I guess I should fix that, Ryan may tell you that he does not 'love' getting his pictures taken. But we always have fun and he shows off those gorgeous dimples, for an outstanding picture! 

Fort Bragg is treating us good. It is hot and in the 100s most days with the heat index. But I can't say that we didn't expect that. We are doing well though and can't wait for Levi to be born and share the joy of being a Mommy and Daddy to a baby on earth. 

*We are taking life day by day and counting our blessings along the way.*

New Addition

This month has been so busy for Ryan and I. Ryan was gone for about 3 weeks doing some Army stuff. He got home last week and boy has it been nice to have him home again. I think we sometimes forget the simplest things about each other and how much we love them.

For Ryan, He loves my cooking and was given some pretty gross foods while being out. I think he now appreciates it even more not to open up an MRE and call that dinner. For me, I forgot how much I hate silence. I have always been a people person (get that after my Daddy). But now, I remember how much I love when he comes home at lunch and we get to talk about the day so far. I missed that so much while he was gone.

I think I talked to Sasha so much that she may have learned a new word or two. You can tell her "Daddy is not here yet" and she will walk away from the front door looking all sad and depressed. But now, I get to tell her "Daddy is on his way" and she sits by the front door until he comes home. Sasha now has a little brother!!

Mac Brown is our newest addition. He is named after "Mac" on The Unit. He is a Boxador... Boxer and Lab hybrid. He is 8 weeks old and was rescued from Fayetteville Animal Shelter. Ryan and I are huge animal lovers. I was recently told by my husband "You just love anything with a snout" :-) And boy is that true!! My dream is to have a farm or at least quite a bit of land. There I want to rescue dogs and cats. I want to be able to have multiple 4 legged babies!

Speaking of babies, Baby Brown is doing great! He or She is getting big and we are so excited to find out the gender. Life is staying busy as usual with the Army Life. We are doing great though. Its so amazing to think that this time last year, Mother's Day approached and I had no babies. This year, I have 1 baby in heaven and 1 in my belly! :-) I truly am so thankful this Mother's Day.

*We are taking life day by day and counting our blessings along the way.*

Previous Post

The previous post was one that Ryan had to do for school! :)

THERE SHOULD BE STRICTER LAWS ON RECEIVING UNEMPLOYMENT AND WELFARE SUBSIDIES

The welfare system in the United States is quickly becoming the downfall of our nation. Hardworking individuals pay for the disinclined members of our society.  Some of these people take advantage of the government’s giving and work the system. They stay on the welfare system much longer than they need to simply because it is easier than looking for work and then actually working. Most people do not even know why unemployment or welfare subsidies were created.

‘Welfare’ was started during the Roman Empire with the intention of helping the poor. It was not until the late 19^th century that state welfare was introduced. This systems was designed to only be a temporary help! ‘Welfare’ is usually viewed in a negative light and seems to have a dark connotation with regards to what society thinks of the people on it. ‘Unemployment’ seems to have a slightly better connotation. This is probably because many more people have used the unemployment system than have used the welfare system.

“How many people even know what the word (welfare) literally means, instead of listening to the definition given by society and the negative spin they have put on it? Many of us are so conditioned by propaganda that we can't even think about the meanings of words.” (Johnson, 2009) This quote speaks volumes in the fact that people just listen to what they are told and do not research it for verification.  Welfare actually means well-being or prosperity.  The original intent of the program was to give people a helping hand until they were able to again care for themselves, to see to their “well-being.”  Many people including myself believe that the system has changed from helping people to enabling them.   

Certain regulations and verifications need to put in place to ensure that the right individuals are getting our hard earned tax dollars.  People all over this great nation we call home, are taking advantage of the neglect and ignorance of our government. We must have strict guidelines that people follow and force them to show proof that they meet these guidelines in order for them to be able to receive assistance from the welfare system. 

References for material and information:

aid. (n.d.). Retrieved Feb 17, 2012, from Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary:

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/welfare

Atkinson, A. (1999). The Economic Consequences of Rolling Back the Welfare State.

Cambridge, MA: MIT Press.

Fitzpatrick, L. (2009). Unemployment. Time . (Retrieved Feb 17, 2012)

Is Welfare Unconstitutional. (1791). Retrieved Feb 17, 2012, from GOP Capitalist:

http://gopcapitalist.tripod.com/constitution.html

Johnson, D. (2009, May 27). Why is Welfare a Bad Word. Retrieved Feb 17, 2012, from Seeing

the Forest: http://www.seeingtheforest.com/archives/2009/05/why_is_welfare.htm

Kauffman, G. (2009, December). How Did Unemployment Start? Retrieved Feb 19, 2012, from

Blurtit: http://www.blurtit.com/q8023605.html

Penfold, C. (2010). Court rules German welfare law unconstitutional. Deutsche Welle,

http://www.dw-world.de/dw/article/0,,5231015,00.html.

Social Security History. (2008, February 11). Retrieved Feb 12, 2012, from Social Security

Online: http://www.ssa.gov/history

welfare. (n.d.). Retrieved Feb 17, 2012, from Merriam Webster Online Dictionary:

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/welfare

Welfare Reform: Ten Years Later. (2010). Retrieved Feb 12, 2012, from Urban Institute: http://www.urban.org/toolkit/issues/welfarereform.cfm

Our 2nd Miracle!

The Army has been taking up quite a bit of our time lately. Ryan has been working very late nights and was out in the field last week. We did find out some amazing news though...

 You read that right... we are so happy, excited and truly blessed to be expecting our 2nd Baby Brown!! We are so happy that Landon is going to be a big brother <3 

The Army is keeping our lives very busy but we are enjoying the journey. I have been working with my vinyl machine and crafting. It keeps me busy and is so much fun. Ryan has made me promise to only do 1 vinyl quote on the wall in each room. But what can I say?... I mean I love my Christmas present from him!!!

Crafting has been such a great hobby for me to get into. I love making stuff and have such a great time doing it. Now only if I could make good money doing it. :) That is all for now! More updates later this week.

*We are taking life day by day and counting our blessings along the way.*

New Chapter

The past month has been the start of a new chapter in our lives. Landon has been gone 2 months now, and it feels like forever since I held him in my arms. I feel like everything since Thanksgiving is just a blur. I am just starting to get where everything isn't a big blur. I can't even believe it is already February. It is getting warm here at Bragg and we never really had a winter, so it's nice to open the windows and let the sun shine in.

Time just sort of froze for me when Landon was born. I am doing 'good' most days. I say that the best I can because we will never be okay. He is the cutest little boy I have ever seen and will always be. He looked just like his daddy. Landon even had the huge dimples like Ryan has... so we will never be okay because a piece of my heart will always be in heaven. But I am learning how to adapt to this new life. The life of being a parent to an amazing and beautiful baby... that is in heaven.

We now live on base at Fort Bragg. This was the perfect decision for us. We planned on moving here to be able to have room for our growing family and ended up moving here because we needed a fresh start. Organizing, cleaning and decorating has been so relaxing for me.

I have to admit that I love moving with the Army, we did not have to pack or move anything. They took care of it all for us. This was great for me because I still have very low iron and energy is not my strong point right now! Ryan is now about 5-7 minutes from work now. He comes home after PT and has breakfast, and even comes home for lunch. It is so nice to see him throughout the day!

I took this semester off of school to rest, relax and get healthier. Ryan is still going to school this semester, full time in fact! I nanny for a family with 2 little girls Monday through Friday. I feel like it just gives me hope to see what we will have in the future. I love children so much. That is not to say that I will not finish my interpreting degree, because I will. :) Just taking 1 semester off to get everything back on track!

It may seem crazy to some of you that live in the civilian world and work full time. No, I don't just sit on the couch all day at home. Ryan will tell you that between nanny'ing 5 days a week and being an Army Wife- I work a full time job plus some! It feels good to know what I want in life though. I am so excited for the future and to give Landon a brother and a sister someday. I never imagined my life would turn out this way but I have an amazing husband, a beautiful baby boy in heaven waiting for me and the best pup in the world.

We can't always control the cards we are dealt but we can control how we react to them. You have to make a decision as to if you are going to live your life or let the bad things ruin it...

*We are taking life day by day and counting our blessings along the way.*

5 weeks...

I read this in a group I am now a member of... It is the Baby Loss Mom's wish list. I feel like this is everything I am feeling. I feel like today especially (My 5 week post birth doctor appointment) I feel like this is very fitting for me today. Sorry it is not upbeat, happy, everything-is-okay, but today... this is me...



1. I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had him back.

2. I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also.

3. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

4. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.

5. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but, I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.

6. I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.

7. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.

8. I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that he is dead. It will never be "okay".

9. I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy." Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.

10. I don't want to have a "pity party," but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.

11. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

12. When I say "I'm doing okay," I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.

13. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

14. Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.

15. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.

16. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.

17. I wish very much that you could understand; understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. BUT I pray daily that you will never understand.

2012

Well, the new year has finally arrived! I swear, it could not have come fast enough. Ryan and I were dying to see 2011 leave. I said that 2011 was horrible, but Ryan corrected me. He said "no, in 2011 Landon was born and we became parents."

This is something we are both still dealing with... the 'parents' word. We are both looking forward to the future but Landon is forever engraved on our hearts. He is the one who made us parents. Seeing 2011 go, means that I am trying to do something that makes me happy each and every single day. I try to think to myself that Landon would not want his mommy to quit living and stay in bed everyday. I am starting to get a bit more sleep each night and not burst into tears in public when I see a pregnant mom. Stuff will always bother me but I am starting to have semi-okay days once in awhile. As this new year was approaching, Ryan and I discussed our resolutions.

My New Year's resolution is to get pregnant and be healthier in the process. I am going to exercise (as soon as I am cleared from the Doctor!) and am going to walk everyday with Sasha. Ryan's resolution is to go Airborne. For all my civilian friends, this means he is going to run more and faster; so that he can go to jump school in Georgia and jump out of planes! This was always his dream as a little boy. We are trying to focus on our dreams for this year and what will make us happy. Ryan has always wanted to be Airborne, so working hard and accomplishing it will be a lifelong dream accomplished.

I on the other hand, have always dreamed of being a mommy to a baby here on earth. Anyone that knows me or has seen me with children, can see that I absolutely love them. I am 'that' person that will hold your baby and not give them back for hours. I don't mind the stinky diapers, the drool, the 'you must rock me to fall asleep'... None of it bothers me and as my sister-in-law said, "you are just one of those people that is meant to be a mommy." Giving Landon a brother or sister, here on earth is my dream for this year. (I know some people do not agree with our timing or plans but I ask that you keep those opinions and comments to yourself; as this is our life and our choice to have another child is ours, not yours.)

Ryan and I are spending every moment possible that we can this year. With wanting to spend more time together and the Army being a big part of our lives, we have chosen to move on base. We picked up the keys to our new house Thursday and love it!! This new house will make it so that when Ryan finishes his PT (exercise) in the morning, he can come home, take a shower and then have breakfast with me. When lunchtime comes around, he is 7 minutes from our house, so he can enjoy lunch with me and Sasha Bell. Dinner time is often later than I like because of his 30 minutes spent traveling in traffic, so dinner will be much more enjoyable. Sasha Bell Brown is quite excited, all though she doesn't know it yet... because her Paw Paw is coming down on Sunday to put up a big fence in the backyard; so no more potty breaks on a leash!!

The new year is hopefully going to be a great one... at least that is what I keep telling myself at least :)

*We are taking life day by day and counting our blessings along the way.*