I can't say this post is the happiest or the most exciting, but it is our life. Ryan was sick with a head cold, and a cough earlier this week. I have a bit of a cold that I am fighting off. We both are so swamped with homework it is ridiculous. Sunday night I went to bed at 3:30am and then got up at 6 am for school to take an exam. (I have not slept a full 8 hours since Landon was born.)
Our week has not gotten any better... The army has not been so friendly to its lower enlisted this week. Ryan has worked late every night. Last night, I did not see him until 8 pm; mind you, he went into work at 5 am. The weather here is so cold when the wind blows, poor thing was freezing while he worked outside on Monday; so I blame the Army that he got sick!
Tonight we got the joy of hanging out with our best friends' baby girl who is 3 months old... She is such a beauty and so wonderful. This made both of us realize that no matter what it takes, we are going to have another baby. God really made both of us with such hearts for children. (This was a huge attraction for me when we were *just friends... what girl doesn't love a guy who wants kids!) Ryan was of course 'the baby hog' and held on to the princess for the entire time. I am okay with this though, because it gave me a chance to do more homework and see what an amazing man I married. He even gave her 2 bottles :)
I know some people say it, but I truly mean it... Ryan is my other half. Through every single trial we have ever had, he has stood right by my side. When the army held him over for two months in Oklahoma, when I was puking because I was pregnant and when we found out that Landon had gone to heaven; he was right there and never left me. He is the most amazing person I know. He is so strong, sweet and truly has the best heart. You will never find a sweeter man. He will give the shirt off his back for someone and would give anything for Me, Landon or Sasha. I am so blessed to be married to HIM and not have to go through all this pain and heartache alone.
This week has been rough on us both but has brought us closer. I know that we CAN make it through anything and that having another baby or two will be in our future whenever God blesses us. I already knew it, but this week has affirmed that I truly married the man of my dreams. He is the prince charming I always wanted... strong, faithful, loving and hopeful.
*We are taking life day by day and counting our blessings along the way.*
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Friday, December 9, 2011
2 weeks later...
INFANT LOSS RIBBONWell it has been two weeks since Landon was born. We have had a lot of support and friends/family offer to do anything for us. For that, I say thank you for everything yal have done for us. I have been asked a few questions about everything and thought I might clarify (I am an open book, so please if you have a question, just ask it)...
1. Yes, I was put into labor just like any other girl and had to go through the heart wrenching pain of labor and not having my Landon at the end to take home.
2. We did get to hold him and see him. He truly was beautiful and even had dimples!! (Oh how I love Ryan and Landon's dimples. They truly make my heart melt!!)
3. The Doctor told us that most of the time they do not know why it happened. Second trimester fetal demise has a 57% of us never finding out why or what happened that made Landon's heart stop beating.
4. One in Four women experience an infant loss, we have found out that many of our close friends and army family have experienced losing a baby. We morn their loss but have found their stories inspirational.
5. The future: Yes, we plan on having 2 more babies. We plan on trying as soon as possible. We will never forget our first born little 5 inch long bundle of joy in heaven, but we certainly want to experience the greatness of being pregnant again.
We have a good hours and bad hours... the Army has been great and gave Ryan off last week (they did not take any of our leave time!!). This was a great help for us. We are realizing that the Army won't always be amazing but they do take care of their own. We have a military family here. They have made us food, brought me flowers and just checked in on us. We truly love them just as we love our blood family.
Ryan and I both got tattoos this week. Mine is on my left ankle on the inside and Ryan's is on his left arm, on the inside of his bicep. We both wanted something to outwardly show our love for Landon. We understand that not everyone shares the same thoughts about this action, but we just ask that you understand this is what we decided to do. I love our tattoos and feel such love and warmth when I see them.
We always have and always will love you Landon
xoxo,
Mommy & Daddy
Thursday, December 1, 2011
My Angel Baby Landon Ryan Brown
The worst news I have ever heard...
Friday night November 25th 2011, I woke up with a nightmare about my precious baby boy. I woke Ryan up and told him I had a bad dream about Landon. It was that we were at the doctor and they told us that he had no heartbeat. Ryan comforted me and we went back to sleep.
Saturday November 26th 2011, was a check up day for us. The military treatment facility here at Fort Bragg, Womack, tries to give you one Saturday appointment so that the soldier can go with you. This was an ultrasound appointment for us and it happened not as we expected. The rules at Womack state that they first take the mother back to get pictures of the baby then they bring the father back. They took me back and the nurse just did not seem right to me. She then went and got Ryan and made us wait for what seemed a lifetime. The radiologist came in with the nurse and told us that our baby had a fetal demise. I asked what that means and he said that he had no heartbeat.
From there we went upstairs to Labor and Delivery. There they performed another ultrasound and told us that Landon was no longer with us. From there, we came home and decided that we would take care of everything on Monday. But once we got home, it was just too hard. We decided to go to the hospital the next day. We let all of our family and friends know what we found out. My parents decided that they wanted to be here for us, so they drove all night Saturday night to get here.
Sunday November 27th 2011, we went in the hospital at 0600. They performed another ultrasound and told us for the third time that there was no movement and no heartbeat. They also told us that the heart cambers had collapsed and that this meant he had been gone for a bit...
I was admitted and given some tablets to make me go into labor. They called it an 'induction'... that word still sinks my heart. I would never wish that upon the worst person I know. From there, I had cramps and the worst pain all over my body that I have ever felt. It was a heart wrenching 12 hours.
Then at 7:45 pm, Landon Ryan Brown was born. He was born at 5 inches long, weighing 3 pounds, 1 oz. He is beautiful and so tiny. He truly is the most gorgeous Angel I have ever seen. He is our 'Baby Angel'.
He will never be forgotten and I ask that you never forget him. We will always tell everyone about him and he is our first born. Please do not feel weird to mention his name around me or to talk about him to me. He will always have a stocking hung at Christmas, a birthday balloon release November 27th and we will always be his mommy and daddy. Our future kids will know that they have an amazing Baby Angel Brother in heaven. I was told by a good army sister that "He was just to perfect for this world" and that is what I firmly believe.
After giving birth to Landon, we were told that my placenta was still attached to my uterous wall. They gave me lots of medicine to see if it would pass, but it would not. About 1 am, Monday November 28th, I was taken into surgery. I received a spinal block, twilight anesthesia and they were able to take care of removing the attached placenta. The doctor was amazing and so very good to me. I lost quite a bit of blood during surgery, 5 - 6 pints and the normal is about 3 - 4 pints. I was released Monday November 28th, about 8:30 to come home.
Current status update:
I am quite white, from all the blood loss and very swollen all over. I am taking things day by day and sometimes, hour by hour. Things are going okay one moment, then other moments I am laughing, and I am sometimes crying because I miss Landon so much.
I ask that you please keep us in your prayers. The next few months and even years will be hard and even horrible at times. We will survive this hard time together and we will have more children in the future. We are keeping ourselves busy and holding onto family and friends. Thank you for every prayer, email, text and good thought that all of you have sent our way. We appreciate the love.
<3
Friday night November 25th 2011, I woke up with a nightmare about my precious baby boy. I woke Ryan up and told him I had a bad dream about Landon. It was that we were at the doctor and they told us that he had no heartbeat. Ryan comforted me and we went back to sleep.
Saturday November 26th 2011, was a check up day for us. The military treatment facility here at Fort Bragg, Womack, tries to give you one Saturday appointment so that the soldier can go with you. This was an ultrasound appointment for us and it happened not as we expected. The rules at Womack state that they first take the mother back to get pictures of the baby then they bring the father back. They took me back and the nurse just did not seem right to me. She then went and got Ryan and made us wait for what seemed a lifetime. The radiologist came in with the nurse and told us that our baby had a fetal demise. I asked what that means and he said that he had no heartbeat.
From there we went upstairs to Labor and Delivery. There they performed another ultrasound and told us that Landon was no longer with us. From there, we came home and decided that we would take care of everything on Monday. But once we got home, it was just too hard. We decided to go to the hospital the next day. We let all of our family and friends know what we found out. My parents decided that they wanted to be here for us, so they drove all night Saturday night to get here.
Sunday November 27th 2011, we went in the hospital at 0600. They performed another ultrasound and told us for the third time that there was no movement and no heartbeat. They also told us that the heart cambers had collapsed and that this meant he had been gone for a bit...
I was admitted and given some tablets to make me go into labor. They called it an 'induction'... that word still sinks my heart. I would never wish that upon the worst person I know. From there, I had cramps and the worst pain all over my body that I have ever felt. It was a heart wrenching 12 hours.
Then at 7:45 pm, Landon Ryan Brown was born. He was born at 5 inches long, weighing 3 pounds, 1 oz. He is beautiful and so tiny. He truly is the most gorgeous Angel I have ever seen. He is our 'Baby Angel'.
He will never be forgotten and I ask that you never forget him. We will always tell everyone about him and he is our first born. Please do not feel weird to mention his name around me or to talk about him to me. He will always have a stocking hung at Christmas, a birthday balloon release November 27th and we will always be his mommy and daddy. Our future kids will know that they have an amazing Baby Angel Brother in heaven. I was told by a good army sister that "He was just to perfect for this world" and that is what I firmly believe.
After giving birth to Landon, we were told that my placenta was still attached to my uterous wall. They gave me lots of medicine to see if it would pass, but it would not. About 1 am, Monday November 28th, I was taken into surgery. I received a spinal block, twilight anesthesia and they were able to take care of removing the attached placenta. The doctor was amazing and so very good to me. I lost quite a bit of blood during surgery, 5 - 6 pints and the normal is about 3 - 4 pints. I was released Monday November 28th, about 8:30 to come home.
Current status update:
I am quite white, from all the blood loss and very swollen all over. I am taking things day by day and sometimes, hour by hour. Things are going okay one moment, then other moments I am laughing, and I am sometimes crying because I miss Landon so much.
I ask that you please keep us in your prayers. The next few months and even years will be hard and even horrible at times. We will survive this hard time together and we will have more children in the future. We are keeping ourselves busy and holding onto family and friends. Thank you for every prayer, email, text and good thought that all of you have sent our way. We appreciate the love.
<3
Always in our hearts <3 Landon Ryan Brown <3 November 27th 2011
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)