5 weeks...

I read this in a group I am now a member of... It is the Baby Loss Mom's wish list. I feel like this is everything I am feeling. I feel like today especially (My 5 week post birth doctor appointment) I feel like this is very fitting for me today. Sorry it is not upbeat, happy, everything-is-okay, but today... this is me...



1. I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had him back.

2. I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also.

3. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

4. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.

5. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but, I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.

6. I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.

7. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.

8. I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that he is dead. It will never be "okay".

9. I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy." Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.

10. I don't want to have a "pity party," but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.

11. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

12. When I say "I'm doing okay," I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.

13. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

14. Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.

15. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.

16. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.

17. I wish very much that you could understand; understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. BUT I pray daily that you will never understand.

2012

Well, the new year has finally arrived! I swear, it could not have come fast enough. Ryan and I were dying to see 2011 leave. I said that 2011 was horrible, but Ryan corrected me. He said "no, in 2011 Landon was born and we became parents."

This is something we are both still dealing with... the 'parents' word. We are both looking forward to the future but Landon is forever engraved on our hearts. He is the one who made us parents. Seeing 2011 go, means that I am trying to do something that makes me happy each and every single day. I try to think to myself that Landon would not want his mommy to quit living and stay in bed everyday. I am starting to get a bit more sleep each night and not burst into tears in public when I see a pregnant mom. Stuff will always bother me but I am starting to have semi-okay days once in awhile. As this new year was approaching, Ryan and I discussed our resolutions.

My New Year's resolution is to get pregnant and be healthier in the process. I am going to exercise (as soon as I am cleared from the Doctor!) and am going to walk everyday with Sasha. Ryan's resolution is to go Airborne. For all my civilian friends, this means he is going to run more and faster; so that he can go to jump school in Georgia and jump out of planes! This was always his dream as a little boy. We are trying to focus on our dreams for this year and what will make us happy. Ryan has always wanted to be Airborne, so working hard and accomplishing it will be a lifelong dream accomplished.

I on the other hand, have always dreamed of being a mommy to a baby here on earth. Anyone that knows me or has seen me with children, can see that I absolutely love them. I am 'that' person that will hold your baby and not give them back for hours. I don't mind the stinky diapers, the drool, the 'you must rock me to fall asleep'... None of it bothers me and as my sister-in-law said, "you are just one of those people that is meant to be a mommy." Giving Landon a brother or sister, here on earth is my dream for this year. (I know some people do not agree with our timing or plans but I ask that you keep those opinions and comments to yourself; as this is our life and our choice to have another child is ours, not yours.)

Ryan and I are spending every moment possible that we can this year. With wanting to spend more time together and the Army being a big part of our lives, we have chosen to move on base. We picked up the keys to our new house Thursday and love it!! This new house will make it so that when Ryan finishes his PT (exercise) in the morning, he can come home, take a shower and then have breakfast with me. When lunchtime comes around, he is 7 minutes from our house, so he can enjoy lunch with me and Sasha Bell. Dinner time is often later than I like because of his 30 minutes spent traveling in traffic, so dinner will be much more enjoyable. Sasha Bell Brown is quite excited, all though she doesn't know it yet... because her Paw Paw is coming down on Sunday to put up a big fence in the backyard; so no more potty breaks on a leash!!

The new year is hopefully going to be a great one... at least that is what I keep telling myself at least :)

*We are taking life day by day and counting our blessings along the way.*